Second star to the right...

Fuck.

Honestly?
If I died right now, I really wouldn't care.
Oh, yeah...me and Andy broke up.
It was bound to happen eventually.
But again...I don't know what to think about life anymore.
I'm doomed to a life as a hag.
Nobody likes me in that way, except for Andy.
And then there's the eternal question...
Will he ever move on?
Will I move on from my love?
And no, I don't mean Andy.

It's these things that get me.

*shrugs*
I've been having a lot of problems lately, physically and in my head.
Physically could be from lack of sleep, lack of appetite.
And in my head...I miss Florida. If I could give everything I have to go back in time to 8th grade I would go to Roosevelt.
But hell, I can't do that now. Or ever.
My life is crashing to a standstill.
On the bright side, I'm officially devoting myself to school.
When you have basically no friends you can count on in the state you live in, what else do you have to live for.
All I had was Andy, and that fizzled out for me.
I don't know, maybe it was the thought of someone new (or not so new)in my head, but that doesn't have a chance in the world.
I suck.
No, not like that.
And, maybe, if I could go back in time to that year and stay in Florida, things would be different.
I was happy in 6th grade, 7th, basically all of Elementary school. 8th grade started the depression, the cutting.
I can't say I wanted to die, or hurt you guys.
I just wanted the pain and loss to go away.
Ninth grade, I pretty much gave up on ever coming back, and tried to battle depression.
I was still depressed, just not as bad.
And the last few weeks before that school year was over, I met Andy.
Was that all a mistake?
I think it was.
If I fall in love one more time, and then lose it because of me, I don't know what I do.
Or maybe I've been in love this entire time, and I just didn't realize it.
Actually, that's exactly what happened.
*sighs*
It's stupid, and I need to let go of the past, but...I just want to say, if they can hear me and actually care, I love you.
And right now, I need them in my life.
But...it's hard.
Complicated.
I wish that my life never happened.
Not because I want to give up on people.
In honest truth?
I want them to give up on me.

*stabs self repeatedly for accidentally closing out of the update that was writing*

Summary:
1. am thinking of attending the NCSA (north carolina school of the arts) due to the fact that there is no tuition (apparently) and that I have no friends! In NC, at any rate.
2. Met a pretty cool person at the 30STM concert who just so happened to be named Adam Alt, a member of an all drummer group that is friends not only with Jared and Shannon from 30STM, but with the used as well. And he gave me a button of his jacket. *squeals with fangirl delight*
3. Am reading and writing LP fiction again. Not that I am deviating from my Adrien/Lucien story, that sadly nobody (but my boyfriend) has read yet.
4. Am falling apart at the seams
5. Am missing Florida and it's inhabitants something fierce
6. Am sick of geeks that sit next to me in French telling me what CG'ing is. Fuckers.

And thus I am too cynical to post further, so I shall end this now. Good night, my fellow friends.

( The Way It Works (In Fairy Tales) )

So...I'm sick. Like...I dunno...Flu kinda sick. Rawr. I want candy. Like...Reese's. I took a shower today *yay*. And FUCK I can't type. Argh. I hate my life. *stabs self repeatedly*

( poem )

( For that's how it seems )

( Feeling isn't knowing )

Five things you PROBABLY didn't know about me( in caps since Lissa spelled it wrong ):

1. My life's necessities...amp and peanut butter.

2. I hate it when people praise me to try and make me feel better about myself. I don't need it, so don't bother. If I need to raise my confidence, I'll do it myself. Now, if you're just praising me because i deserve it, go ahead.

3. I cannot stand liars. I'm a huge one, I know, because I lie to everyone and myself. But we all know I hate myself, so nothing new there. Liars, though. They're posers, posers are them, and everyone hates posers. So why doesn't everyone hate liars? It's just an excuse to cover up a sad story or cover up a perfectly respectable one with a sad one. You're just hiding the truth, and it'll come out eventually.

4. I love a lot of people. Sometimes it may seem like I don't love them, because I tend to push people away when I'm with them too long, but that doesn't mean I don't love them anymore. I just happen to get anti-social after awhile <3.

5. I hate my life. I hate waking up to see the same four walls everyday and to go to the same school that i can't stand to see the same fake people. I hate living where I do, and never going over to anyone's house unless I'm in Florida, or at Chris's house. It sickens me, this life of monotony. Rawr.


So there...I wrote that on the thing that held my boarding passes in the airport.

I am so SICK of all of it. First of all, I fly out on FRIDAY, not SATURDAY. WTF EVER. Which means I can barely see people as it is. I feel so fucking worthless right now. My life is coming to a complete standstill while everyone else keeps on turning, and though it feels selfish to say this, that pisses me off. I feel like i'm not being included in anyone's life, and that isn't right. And my mom saying that I don't deserve to go to Florida? WhatEVER, I've been putting forth so much effort to do better in school and to help around the house, and my reward? To babysit, without any repayment! That pisses me off because it's fucked up, even if my little brother and cousin are family. Even 5 dollars would make me happy. But NO.

I'm so sick and tired of all these little wannabe-emo shits that would be lucky if they got even a LITTLE glimpse of what emo really is. They think whining about how much they hate their life and their parents are going to get them somewhere, and it DOES, which fucking sickens me. People pity them because of how bad their life is, when really it's just fine. They don't get constantly ridiculed for trying their best, or for messing up just a little bit. They're at least accepted by their family. They at least get their fucking way.
What the fuck EVER. I mean, come on people. People pretending to be emo is the same as people trying to be goth. No difference.

10 Things I Hate Right Now:

1. Boys
2. Love
3. Couples
4. Barking Dogs
5. PDA's
6. Babysitting
7. School
8. North Carolina
9. Cold Weather
10. Cultlike followings

Fuck, I should just become a lesbian.

Alright...what's new?

Well...this is my first update in a while. I just haven't felt like there's anything to talk about. *shoots self in the head* We're watching this show called 'wonderfalls' on Logo, so of course it has to have a gay person in it. A lesbian, actually. Ah, well. Anyways...just so everyone knows, despite his assholeness, i still like aleck, but nothing is ever going to happen with us again. So that's what's up. We're done. Over. We're too different and he's hurt me so many times that I'm too afraid that he'll do it again. And Mike...*sighs* I still like him of course, but...I don't know. It's not like it matters, due to the 'no dating until 16' rule. However...you know i'd bypass it if i could. So Mike...if you ever feel like asking me out again, I'm here for you. It's not like my family has anything to worry about, since you're down in Florida. And...it's just a title. If you really get down to it, we might as well be going out already, since we're wearing the rings and basically talking to each other as if we were a couple. So why make it so confining? If people find out I have a boyfriend, guys especially, they'll all treat me completely different, and I'm comfortable with where I am now. So basically, I'm making no sense. What a surprise.

On a different yet the same note, some random guy flirted with me at the therapist's office. I was waiting for my mom to finish talking to the therapist, and this group of people came in and this guy sat down next to me and started flirting. Weird.

So...I think I'm going to go now. Random things:

1. I have a 'D' in Biology.
2. I am positively in LOVE with Caramel Peanut Butter Cups. *yum*
3. There are three reviews on my first fanfiction online. *squeals*
4. Life is good.
5. One more week! *almost* Fine, a week and a half.

*muah*

( Quizzes! )

( Manga and anime survey--what you've read or seen )

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over.

( Piccies )

I like the brown.

( icon meme )

1. Aleck worries me
2. I like Mike...*teehee, it rhymes*
3. I don't want to wait for three months...to go visit FL.
4. I put FMA on for the kids...XD I'm in the spirit and i'm wearing Joe's hoodie.

1. Mom's making upside down pizza for dinner!
2. Grandma's taking a nap
3. I'm hungry...
4. ...foood...
5. Mom is angry at something about Aunt Di...T_T
6. I want Florida
7. I want BRX
8. *waves bye*

Stephany was a good girl and did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, including sweeping the floor. The living room is already pretty much cleaned, so all i can do there is clean the floor...but, I am taking time to write in my precious LJ, since my time on the computer as of late is pretty much...not there. Mom and Grams are at the grocery store and then they're going to pick up Aunt Di. *sigh*

So here's what's going on in my life right now...too lazy to write it all out.

1. Mike! *glomps the Mike*
2. Exams in a week...>_< I need to study.
3. Missed school today.
4. *above* means that i have a ton MORE studying to do since I missed EOC review.
5. I feel my friendship with Chris kind of...stopping. *shrugs* Whatever, it happens to us all.
6. I have to find a way to explain to Mom that I have a zero on a project. *sigh* Oh, well...the truth has to come out eventually.
7. Motion city soundtrack owns my soul. *glomps MCS* <3<3<3
8. We had a typical family fight yesterday, though I didn't participate. Need I point out that I never do?
9. There is a green ribbon tied around my head.
10. I WANT BRX! T_T I got the brochure today, and...*sniffle* I WANNA GO!! Marcy probably won't pay though.
11. ( Survey! )

Mom just lost her shower gel, but i found it...she has this thing against all things rasberry, including anti-perspirant, but she doesn't mind cucumber melon...(odd). She also obviously doesn't know the difference between Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter...*sad* My mom is stupid. (no offense mom)

So...Pokemon Emerald is...AWESOME...it is...almost unable to describe. Almost.

The Click Five is on tv right now. Pfft...one hit wonder. Band members are pretty hot though. *sorry Mike*

Now...the Veronicas. They're...weird.

*waves* Night!